This Is(n't?) Where You Belong
w. 6 | Community, connection, and trying to fit in
When I moved to Malawi just over two years ago, I felt like I was in a human blender. It was the (American) summer of 2021 and a whirlwind of a season where within the span of three months (ahem, during Covid), I (with help!) coordinated the shipping of all of my family’s earthly possessions to Malawi (except for the yearbooks - sorry, Mom) while my husband settled into his job here, finished my doctoral program, quit my job, prepared/rented out our house, and finally moved to Lilongwe1.
My mind felt like a tumbleweed. It took a few months for the mental dust to settle and to not feel like I was forgetting something important at any given moment.
While I was focused on finding and landing a remote job once I arrived2, I was also trying to figure out how to build a community of friends and a support network from scratch to make living in Malawi feel more like home and less like a stop along the way.
I wish I had come upon this book, This Is Where You Belong: Finding Home Wherever You Are, by Melody Warnick about how her family navigated six domestic moves and what she found that research shows helps people feel a sense of attachment and connection to a place.
How does the place we live become the place we want to stay?
Instead, I used LinkedIn filters to find people I had things in common with (Returned Peace Corps Volunteers, undergrad/grad school alumni) and kept my eyes and ears open for interesting ways to meet new people. It was marginally successful and made Lilongwe feel less lonely, but didn’t make me feel at home.
Below is a picture of the main takeaways of Warnick’s dive into the academic research on what attachment indicates helps people build a sense of connection to where they live:
A friend of a friend is moving to Malawi in a few months and I’ve been thinking about how I would do things differently and what I would recommend to someone moving here that could be applicable to many places, even somewhere you’ve lived a long time.
So, here’s how I have roughly followed what Warnick advises readers to do in her book. When we move again one day, I’ll make a similar list and put out a call to crowdsource ideas so it wouldn’t take quite so long to settle in!
10 ways I’ve found home in Malawi in 2 years
Walk more: A year after I moved here, a friend told me about a Walkie Talkie WhatsApp group of ladies who meet at different restaurants around Lilongwe, walk for an hour and a half 3x/week, and then have a coffee/tea and chat at the restaurants where they convene. I’ve met some lovely people through the group though I’ve dropped off joining since the time doesn’t quite suit me. Check out Packd Suitcase’s We Walk Geneva walking group for another example of someone building community through walking.
Buy local: I wish I’d know about the Woodland’s Farmers Market sooner - it’s a monthly farmers market that brings together vendors from all over Malawi to sell wonderful, locally produced goods. I met a dear friend at one of the first markets I went to and now I always try to go to see regular faces and meet new ones. There’s also a standing weekly market at Coco’s at August House that’s wonderful.
Get to know my neighbors: This one is hard because all of my neighbors live behind 10-foot brick walls with barbed wire fences. Alas! Perhaps this can be loosely defined to mean people in general. The mom of a girl in my daughter’s class started a Girl Scouts Overseas group earlier this school year and it’s been so fun having a regular event to look forward to and to share with my daughter. I should still try knocking on my actual neighbors’ gates!
Do fun stuff: I joined an ultimate frisbee league soon after moving here, but my participation has dwindled since I don’t love driving across town to play. I can’t even remember now how I learned about the group, but I’m glad I did!
Here are a few other fun things I’ve done in Lilongwe/would recommend to others:
Have drinks/listen to music at Hideout
Attend Food Festivals hosted by my friend Famida (who I met at the Woodlands Farmers Market)
Visit The Farmer’s Daughter for a music+meal or sundowners (it took me a bit to catch up and learn that meant happy hour :)
Go to events hosted by The Sunday Soirée
Attend spin classes hosted by a friend I met through the Walkie Talkie WhatsApp group
Explore nature: For Christmas, I bought an annual family membership for the Lilongwe Wildlife Trust and want to go at least once a week. It’s such a lovely space and the perfect place for a forest bath. I even saw a pangolin (accompanied by a caretaker) last week!
Volunteer: I’m embarrassed (to myself) that I haven’t found an organization to volunteer with regularly. Opportunities abound and yet I haven’t prioritized it! It’s on my list for 2024.
Eat local: Kaza Kitchen and La Cantina are my favorites, though there are lots to choose from.
Become more political: This could read ‘become political’ as I don’t exercise a political voice in Malawi (or elsewhere, really). I don’t know how this applies to someone in a foreign country (especially with a colonial history), but I don’t envision myself becoming political in Malawi, certainly not as they prepare for presidential elections next year. However, I can absolutely do more to become more aware of what’s happening politically in Malawi, so I’ll add that to my list.
Create something new: I suppose I’ve picked up some light watercolor painting as a hobby, but otherwise haven’t created anything new. Does this newsletter count? I wish I’d started writing again sooner for myself!
Stay loyal through hard times: We’ve navigated an ongoing cholera outbreak. Polio scares. And frequent electricity and water cuts. I’d say this box is checked :)
I know you can’t rush community building. Two years in, I’m so grateful for the friends we’ve made in Malawi and the network we’ve built. That said, when people ask me if it is hard or easy to settle here, I always respond that it takes effort and that while I feel settled now, I know there’s always more to do to make a place feel like home.
Yesterday, an American friend moved from Malawi where she’s been living for the past two months to Lesotho where she will live for the foreseeable future working as a pediatrician. She texted me from her hotel to share that she’s already joined a tennis WhatsApp group after Googling ‘things to do in Maseru.’ It never ceases to amaze me how resilient people are and how we can pick up and move half (or quarter) way around the world - or down the street, or to a new state - and create a new life and feel that (sometimes) elusive sense of belonging. I admire everyone trying!
Joyfully Linked
Below are some recent treasures I’ve read/found online that have been on my mind:
I recently bought the Second Brain Template on Notion. I’m hoping I can dedicate some time this week to figuring out how to use it and manage my digital clutter/ideas once and for all. Wish me luck and send your tips if you use it :)
Next week I’m joining a 12-week course “Climate Change: Learning for Action” through Terra.do. I’m excited to explore the intersection of education, learning and the climate crisis. More to come!
This past weekend, I visited Ntchisi Forest Lodge with a friend and my daughter (more on TripAdvisor) where we hiked, read, painted, and ate delicious food. I need to get a 4x4 so I can get there more often without renting a car, or just wait until the rains let up and the roads dry out. It was the perfect getaway and is one of my favorite places to visit in Malawi.
I’d love to hear how you’re doing, how things are going in your corner of the world and ways you’ve built your own sense of belonging wherever you find yourself.
With love and lemons,
Jennifer
After three separate trips with dear girlfriends. Note to self: always make time for trips with girlfriends.
My husband’s initial contract was only for 18 months so I didn’t want to launch a local job search in case we needed to be nimble.
Retiring has been a bit of a move...both physical (clear the office, that took months; clear my home study...still working on it) and psychic. The advice you have works for this major life cycle move, as well. Flexibility is key. I traveled a lot for research and fun (and will continue to do this), but tenure can lock a person into a place. From the outside looking in, I think what you and your family are doing is wonderful! Give your children that sense of belonging in and to the world; you're also giving them an awareness of our shared responsibility to care for this world. This gives me hope.
I can't wait for your next message. I clicked on all the links...and am learning so much about Malawi. Also learning that a big move could be good. We're contemplating one, as well (big for us); there are pros and cons. Your advice is sound. Thanks for writing!